We Are Born With the Instinct to be Independent
douglas hauptman • May 20, 2023
Independence is a sacred gift from God that must be cherished.
You would have to be raised in a completely controlled and restricted environment in order to not be independent. But even then, you could only be docile to a certain point. Some part of us, at the bottom of our souls, we would still crave independence despite never tasting it before. We do not have to learn independence, we just need to be able to experience it.
A Gift From God
The notion of independence is not a lesson but rather something that we can be in awe of in relation to the human spirit. God gifted us this ability. Hemmingway helped me understand this concept as well as the ancient Greeks. Found in his book "East of Eden" is the word “timshel” which literally translates in ancient Greek from Arabic, to mean that God gave man the gift to have a free will and the ability to decide between good and evil. God gave us the gift of independent thinking and being. He gave us the gift of thought and choice.
Since the beginning of time, before any writing was on shell or rock, timshel validates that freedom is a gift from God. This is impossible to contradict. People can be ignorant of the history and religion relating to who we are and how we develop, but the reality is that independence is born into us from the start.
Let Children Be
Rather than call this learning, I think of it as more of a safe guarding of their sacred right deep within their being. This is the sacred right the God gave them and this notion is something we can help them understand through modeling and explaining biblical steps. Children need to understand that God is the source of all good things. We can also teach them to recognize the feeling of independence and encourage them to want it while also taking caution to boundaries and so forth. So the question is not how to teach children independence but rather how to we help children feel independence and provide support such as self-sacrifice, responsibilities, etc.
Limit Judgment
While on this topic, I want to bring attention to how important it is that we do not pass judgment on our children for the choices they make. A motto that I have used with children is that bad thoughts don’t exist, only bad actions. If we are overly critical of someone, we can inadvertently harm their natural tendency to experience their own independence which can lead to significant harm. When you are continuously negative to someone, their natural reaction is to curl up, get nervous with self-doubt, and not say anything at all. As parents, we do not want to ever make our children feel doomed to judgment.
A Generation of Dependents
If you raise a child to be solely dependent, then you are committing a sin because your job is to make them independent so they can care for themselves. Today, kids are so dependent on their parents that they eventually find themselves having a hard time do to break free and enjoy their own independence. Parents are the enabler in this scenario. Massive scores within my generation, and the one following it, were raised in the post-civil rights and hippy era. For many adults, the only purpose in life became to be a good mom. This lead to soccer and PTA moms and a generation where all kids received a trophy.
We need to be outside more and exposed to all sorts of microorganisms, bacteria, viruses, and fresh air. The sheltering over children has really become quite ridiculous. Personally, I always wanted to teach my kids to be self-sufficient enough to be able to survive in the middle of the forest alone. If a nuclear holocaust happened, a lot of parents would be panicking over how independent their children really are. Obviously this is a dramatized scenario but my point is that we will not always be around for our children to fall back on. My daughter is a complete badass that cannot be messed with. She is strong minded and sometimes I am confronted with my own self when I come up against her. However, this makes me incredibly proud that she is her own person and I feel peace knowing that she values her independence.
If we do choose to shelter our children, then they will fail to learn beneficial responsibility and independence. This can lead to drug addictions, excessive reliance on video games, and other things that zombie down their creativity and passion. When kids and young adults use these unhealthy outlets, deep down they are crying to be free.
Why Family is Vital
Of course, there is one exception when it comes to depending on one another. Children need to be able to count on their relationship with God, themselves, and their families. They should never think that they can count on anything outside of that. Church, government, and sometimes even spouses, are things we cannot always count on but we can seek support from. Family needs to be a significant part of the ethos of training and teaching independence. All the children in my life know that they can always come to me and I will always instill this support to them.
Thinking Like a Leader
One saying I enjoy using is:
“Do you want to be a small fish in a big fish tank, or a big fish in a small pond?”
On a broader scale, you can see tremendous negativity that comes when you limit a group of people’s freedom and independence. Eventually, communism can take root in such an environment. Communism is codependency in its purest form. In order for this system to survive, it has to eliminate free thinking and all independent thought. Think “beehive mentality” and you’ll get the picture.
Why a Life Coach Cannot Make You Independent
Like I mentioned above, independence cannot be taught because it’s more of a spiritual journey within someone. Many life coaches have canned techniques and plans and processes and programs to help people but being independent is something someone must choose to do for themselves. If you were raised sheltered and reliant on others then it will be more difficult to break free from that dependent thinking as an adult. If this struggle is severe, then I highly suggest speaking to a therapist.
I also suggest reading for more understanding and knowledge. One book I really enjoyed is, “The Road Less Traveled”. This book is a timeless and wonderful piece that teaches a person about all of the things that are important for living a happy and healthy independent life.
Coach Doug's Blog
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